December292011
I’m in the mood where I come all untied
And so what if this is it. What has been and gone is the best there is out there. What we wish and hope for is nothing but an imaginary fantasy put in our minds by Walt Disney and fairytales. We like to believe that there is someone out there who is ‘the one’, who gives butterflies and fireworks and with whom there is no doubt ever - just complete and pure love. Yet if this is the case then why do we never seem to be able to find ‘the one’, only ever the one that is wrong for us. What if the one we believe is wrong for us - the one who apparently we can do so much better than - is in fact our one? Yet through fairytales and dreaming we believe there is someone better out there for us and turn our backs on the ordinary person who can no longer satisfy us in a bid to search for ‘the one’. Perhaps we ought to face the fact that there is no Prince Charming/Princess out there waiting for us - for if there was then why is the divorce rate so high and why is there such a desire for the countless dating websites which exist and pollute our tv screens and pop up’s daily. Perhaps we should stop aiming so high and appreciate that someone does want to be with us before we leave them in search of a fairytale ending - only to realise farther down the road that perhaps we didn’t realise we already had the one for us, because we were blinded by the ‘what could be’s of fairytales. It is easy to get lost in the dreams and fairytales, to imagine ourselves wandering through an enchanting woodland forest only to bump into the most handsome man we have ever met who will immediately sweep us off our feet and show us what it’s like to kiss someone and experience fireworks and desire, a man who will look after us without us even realising it, who will suprise us with the fact he listens when we spoke and suprises us with small gifts to show us he truly does care, a man who would think nothing of expressing his love in front of a crowd of people or one person, who would not hesitate to dance with us and act foolish when the mood begs it yet has the ability to know when to be truthful and honest and open. It is far easier to dream of this than to face the reality than no one person is like this, everyone has their flaws and it is up to us to find someone who we love despite their flaws and they us despite ours. It is nicer to believe that there will be instant chemistry and never a moment of doubt, than to face up to the truth that love is rarely simple. It is nice to imagine gifts but in reality it is assumed that if someone does turn up at the door with flowers they are either apologising or have done something wrong which you know nothing of, rarely is it simply to say I love you and I saw these and immediately thought of you and had to buy you them. Perhaps it is cynical to believe, but fairytales are in films for a reason, they are there to fuel our dreams…it is up to us to seperate these dreams enough so that they don’t taint our perception of reality.
September272010
“kiss me and you’ll know how important i am”
sylvia plath
July312010
“I love you more than songs can say, but I can’t keep running after yesterday, so why do you want to break my heart again, why am I going to let you try”
July192010
you’ll never be enough of anything to make someone want to make you theirs
And so it begins again. It makes you want to curl up into a ball and hide under the covers, leaving behind the world and the people who brought this upon you. As you lie there the sound builds into a constant thunderous roar, and as it picks up pace and sound, you scream out. Scream for it to stop and to leave you alone. Alone with your new world you’ve created just for yourself. And as you scream, it stops. And you lie for a second feeling your heart beat racing and hearing only this and your laboured breathing. But then it starts again, and you realise, as it builds and crescendos, that this thunderous noise you’ve been trying to escape is inside you. It’s all of your thoughts swimming in your head, crashing against the rocks of forgotten worries and problems and dislodging them back into your mindstream. To face these thoughts is dangerous and altogether unwise, but their comes a point where we cannot hide from ourselves anymore the way we hide from others. Burying your head only intensifies the thunder in your head, forcing you to sit up and listen. To pay attention to your thoughts and throubles. Really, the signs were there from the start. Ignoring them and hoping did not make them leave. It just made their arrival all the more heartbreaking. Because as you lie there, feeling the tears of your thoughts escaping, you realise it’s the end. This is the repeat. Yet again you remain a footnote in someone else’s love story. And surely this time it will be easier. This time you’ll spring back in a few days ready to rejoin the world. But it’s not. And you won’t. Because this time you let your guard down. You let your guard down and you let yourself fall. Falling for the nice boy was not supposed to end this way. With you in tears and a constant mindset of ‘never enough’, and him not caring past the realisation he doesn’t have anyone on call anymore. The struggle to leave your new confinement is a battle not worth starting. So instead you lie with the memories replaying in your head, along with the melody that returns every time. You’ll never be enough of anything to make someone want to make you theirs. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
May152010
“When two people love each other, but they just can’t seem to get things right, how do you know when enough is enough?”
May22010
“Tous ira bien en fin, si elle n’est pas bien, alors I’ll n’est pas en fin”
4PM
i was asked today what my biggest fear is…
Failure. The biggest fear, the one which keeps me awake at night, replaying the what if’s over and over, is the fear of failure. The fear of dissapointment. Not dissapointing myself, but dissapointing those around me. The fear of failure. The fear of never quite being good enough. Not quite enough for other people. Not quite smart enough, not quite pretty enough, not quite funny enough. Simply not good enough. I gave the standard response - spiders. But the thing I fear most is failure - failure in a subject, as a friend, as a girlfriend, as a person. Failure to be who people need me to be. Who people expect me to be. Simply, failure.
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